EVE Online Smacktalk: A Primer on How To Do It

Stolen wholesale from the in-game profile of an EVE Pilot named Darth Vaders, who may have written it himself or grabbed it from another source.

I was looking at his profile because I wanted to know what somebody who took that name would put in their bio. (Good on you mate if you’ve the balls to back up that handle! I barely have the moxie to sustain the handle “John Doe.”)

I found this amusing enough to repost, mostly because you cannot close the “Local” chat window, so I’ve seen enough of this sort of thing to know this list hits uncomfortably close to the mark some days.

Rule #1: The guys who killed you are total cheaters

That’s right. There is no way a total badass like yourself could have done any kind of noobish mistake and gotten killed. The only way that is possible if the defenseless targets you were gunning for cheated! Perhaps some of them are Devs and spawned a doomsday bomb into your cargo hold, or maybe they used lag and hacking to screw up your connection!

Be sure to yell explicitly on how there’s no way ‘lowlifes’ like them could have ever touched your magnificence. This leads me to the next point.

Rule #2: Make sure they know that you are better than them

You must not forget to repeatedly mention how these ‘peasants’ or ‘noobs’ don’t know crap, while highborn nobility such as yourself are total pros from back in the Pre-alpha release. Perhaps to further emphasize the point, you should suggest that your opponents are all sons and daughters of prostitutes. Such characterful additions to your smack talk on local show your fine character and class, no doubt striking fear into their hearts should they ever encounter you again.

Rule #3: Remind them you have powerful friends

Peasants like them couldn’t possibly comprehend what a mistake they did, cheating to kill you. One thing never fails to strike terror in their hearts, and that is appealing to your most deadly of allies of course!

Brag and gloat about your connections with ‘BloB’ or whatever that big alliance thingie is in the bottom left of the map. Talk about how you’ll put a twenty trillion ISK contract on their heads by talking to your good friend Selena, leader of the Mercenary Coalition. You of course, pay them to do these things, since a PvP god of your caliber is above destroying such noobs.

Rule #4: Be sure to use ‘flavorful’ racial slurs at random

Nothing tells your opponent that they are weak and pathetic than to assign them random derogatory ethnic names. Did a Caldari Raven somehow destroy your 2 billion ISK Nanophoon and pod you because you were stupid enough to sit around AFK in a belt? Be sure to call him something anti-Semitic, or some variation on a common slur for black people! Are you irked that your complete ninja skills deserved better, but that cheating target of yours somehow hacked your computer into aggroing CONCORD? Shout loudly that he is a homosexual.

Whatever happens, be sure to say the most offensive thing possible. After all, the best defense is a strong offense-based vocabulary.

Rule #5: CAPITAL LETTERS SHOW THAT YOU MEAN BUSINESS

YOU GET THAT? Loudness shows just how damn angry you are. If you aren’t talking in caps, you aren’t putting enough feeling into destroying the pitiful souls of your victims like a spaceship flying grim reaper. Their morale will be crushed by the sheer force of your rage and will. Even better, yell into your own room or into your own teamspeak line. Invite your enemies to listen to you yell.

Just remember the lesson you first learned as a baby being spanked: There isn’t a problem in the world that can’t be solved by yelling, and possibly tearing up. Not cowardly tears of course, but manly tears like what a Space Pirate Badass like yourself would shed.

Rule #6: There is no such thing as too much profanity

**** you, you stupid *** jack***. It was NOT my ****ing fault that little ****s like you used lag and the god**** *** bug exploits to kill my **** ship! I’ll kill you again when I see your faces, b*tches! ***munches.

Rule #7: Nothing proves your superiority more than threatening real life physical violence

Lastly, after all other techniques are expended, only one method is a sure-fire way of bringing the fear of your wrath into those opponents. Threaten them, and don’t let up. Tell them exactly how you’ll track down what country, state and street they live in, smashing kneecaps and crushing their skulls