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You Won the Battle! Now to Convince Everybody April 6, 2012

Posted by Wilhelm Arcturus in entertainment, EVE Online, Humor.
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Fleets clash! A battle is fought!  A thousand ships or more duke it out in null sec!

This is what you and your alliance live for!  These are things no high sec capsuleer ever sees!  For a time, the fate of empires hang in the balance.

But no battle lasts forever.  At some point the opposing parties disengage.  Fleets dock.  People log off.  Kill boards are checked.

And then EVE News 24 puts up a story about the battle and they either completely get it wrong and imply in some way that your side was not totally victorious, or they fail again to moderate the lying comments of your enemies, who are claiming victory for their own side.  And we all know that any forum open to the public that does not delete a message clearly endorses it.

Isn't it obvious we're winning here?

Or else somebody posts a bogus account of the battle in one of those awful forum threads at Kugutsuman, that wretched hive of scum and villainy, claiming victory for themselves.  There ought to be a law!

Either way, somebody on the internet is wrong and it is up to you to fix it.

Fortunately, I have done the ground work for you.  After reading through various comment and forum threads, I have distilled down how to claim your victory online to 10 easy concepts.

Now you have the tools.  Now you can make sure that random strangers on the internet will not be deceived into thinking you achieved anything less than total victory.  After all, what value is there in winning the battle if you lose the meta game?

1 – Define Victory by Your Own Standards

Did you get more kills but lose the ISK war?  Did the enemy save their tower?  Did you fail to save your own?

Do not worry, the outcome was still a clear victory.  More kills shows superior skill… unless the situation was the reverse, in which case doing more damage in ISK shows how you made the enemy pay.  Of course, sometime neither of these work out for you.  Even then, you were making the enemy react to your moves which clearly shows you were in control of the situation.  And that counts for a lot more than, say, that crappy tower they managed to save… this time!

Make it clear that, from the only right, and true perspective (your own), the whole thing was an indisputable victory and imply that it was all part of the master plan.  Or just come out and say that last bit.  We have a master plan, bitches!  You have the enemy right where you want them!

2 – Complain About the Battle Conditions

If the odds were against you, your enemy obviously lacks fighting ability.  If they hot-dropped super caps on your sub cap fleet, clearly they only want cheap kills and have no interest in a fair fight.  Was the enemy able to re-ship and return to the battle quickly?  Blob tactics require no skill.  No matter what, things were stacked against you.  Your enemy was distinctly without honor, using their momentary advantages against you.  For this they must be despised.

3 – Reveal Your Foe as a Coward

Bring up early and often how your foe won’t ever engage in battle unless they feel they hold a significant tactical advantage.  What sort of messed up cowards insist on a good chance of winning before diving headlong into battle?

4 – Play Down Your Own Advantages

If you are complaining loudly about how the enemy was able to reship and return to the fight, be sure to omit that the battle occurred within your own territory, practically on your own door step.  If the foe came in elite PvP ships like strategic cruisers, call them out.  Just don’t bring up how your Drake fleet out numbered them 3 to 1.

5 – Blame CCP

Titans should not be able to kill sub caps.  Strategic cruisers are too weak.  Drakes need to be nerfed.  Time Dilation clearly benefits your opposition.  Sovereignty is totally screwed up.  Local chat should not show who is in system.  Overview bugs screwed you again.  Plus, people who were at one time associated with your enemy now work at CCP and are obvio0usly conspiring against you! (Otherwise, you know, that stuff would have been fixed ages ago!)

Whatever your particular beef, you must make it clear that it isn’t merely your cowardly enemy, who couldn’t find honor in a dictionary, that is the problem.  The whole freaking game is rigged against you.  People ought to be in awe that you were able to pull off the victory you did, given the circumstances.

6 – Outright Lie

Look, the ends clearly justify the means.  So find a messed up kill board total on eve-kill.net.  Rig one yourself on dog-net.org that omits half your allies.  When faced with indisputable facts, call bullshit and refuse to elaborate.  Be Saddam Hussein at the end of the First Gulf War, stand in the street, fire your gun in the air, and tell everybody how you were totally victorious.

Would I do this if I had lost?

That analogy worked for Steve Jobs, and look how well he did in the end!

But remember, only use the First Gulf War as an template, not the 2003 Invasion of Iraq.  That does not further your interests at all.

...at least not during down time.

Some of you are probably too young to get that joke.

7 – Foretell the Future

Make sure you let everybody know that even if this might seem like a loss, which it clearly was not, any future engagements will clearly and unambiguously show that your alliance owns.

Don’t be afraid to get personal on this one.  Your foes are, after all, cowards and racists scammers who line their pockets with the spoils of their illicit RMT and mining bot operations.  Their existence harms game itself, exploiting, as they do, the very mechanics of EVE to make mockery of the work of CCP.  The time will come when other alliances will see the light of day, join together, and smite this abomination from New Eden.

Don’t worry about going overboard here, nobody ever remembers this sort of thing.

8 – Remain Steadfast

Regardless of what occurred or what twisted “logic” your detractors might bring up, in the grand scheme of things this was clearly a strategic victory for your side.  Brook no dissent.

9 – Claim the Battle Did Not Matter

If your enemy is marshaling his lies against you, you may not be able to get 100% of your audience behind you assertions.  At this point, you may need to change the focus of the argument.  You still did not lose the battle.  Remember item 8.  But your enemies claims are now made meaningless, since their attempts to display themselves in a winning light are shown to be empty boasting.

You didn’t need that tech moon, that titan, that fleet, that system.  They were superfluous to the real strategic objectives of the alliance, a feint, a ruse de guerre,  and anybody who cannot see that is a damn fool.  Remember item 1, you have a master plan and the enemy is dancing to your tune.

10 – Don’t Be This Guy

Poor Zarks.  He lost his titan and then admitted it was his fault!  He obviously needed to invoke items 2, 3, and 5 (and possibly 7 and 8) to support his alliance.  Instead, both he and his alliance lost face in the all important meta game.

Bonus Items – Remember, posting your comments anonymously gives the impression that you are an unbiased external observer, and will add weight to your argument.  Also, be sure to use sock puppets to support your claims if at all possible.  Just make sure you know what that really means before you start.

Lambchop agrees, we're on the road to total victory!

Remember, this isn’t just idle smack talk in local, this is about winning the game!

Comments»

1. Toldain - April 7, 2012

That Cringely piece is fantastic.

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2. gnome - April 7, 2012

So please describe what happened to a non-EvE player in straight english please.

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3. Wilhelm Arcturus - April 7, 2012

@Gnome – Nothing in particular happened. This is just me attempting to make fun of what happens in comment threads and forums after somebody posts about a battle. Both sides will claim that they have won regardless of what the actual outcome.

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4. Mbp - April 7, 2012

Ok Ok

“YOU’RE WINNER”

Your recent Eve posts have been really entertaining Wilhelm and have given a great peek into what Eve life is like inside a big alliance. I can’t help noticing too
that you seem to be really emotionally invested in this in a way that I can’t recall from your posts about other mmos.

Out of interest what do you do in Eve when there isn’t a battle. How do you earn your daily isk?

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5. gnome - April 7, 2012

well somebody lost a titan. was it a goon dude or someone from your guild?

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6. Gaff - April 7, 2012

Goon FC accidentally hit jump instead of bridge–so a goon titan. If you don’t lose at least one they don’t let you keep flying in capswarm.

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7. Wilhelm Arcturus - April 7, 2012

@Gnome – Yes, I linked to some actual events that provided negative examples of what I was saying. Zarks did exactly the right thing. A lesser man would have gotten wrapped up in the sort of excuses I mentioned in the post.

@mbp – I’ll have to do a “day in the life” sort of post about what I do in null sec I guess.

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8. Zirce - April 7, 2012

Number 9 should really be number one.

“We didn’t really need Tenal anyways.”

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9. Wilhelm Arcturus - April 7, 2012

@Zirce – Well, this is more of a general use list. I really should make a flow chart version.

Number 9 comes into play when you cannot make 1-8 fly for you at all… as happened in Tenal.

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10. gnome - April 8, 2012

Honestly this whole time I thought you were part of Goon-whatever. So you aren’t and this is a post about Goon-whatever claiming something happened that didn’t happen correct? Because seriously, to a non-eve player, whatever point you are trying to make is completely unclear.

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11. Wilhelm Arcturus - April 8, 2012

@Gnome – This post is not about any specific event, it is a general comment on how some EVE players behave, regardless of their in-game affiliation. I injected some links to events around which this sort of thing have occurred, but it is not about any specific event.

The point is that in the comments after any posting about a battle on a major site, both sides will attempt to claim victory based on some form of the arguments I laid out.

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12. gnome - April 8, 2012

Ok noted. There is just enough fact based info in this post to pique my interest that the snark is messing with my little brain!

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