Tag Archives: sarcasm

EverQuest: More Popular at Launch than WoW is Today…

But only if you use the Bizarro metrics.

For example, on Planet Tobold, it ISN’T how many who play your game that matters, but how many people DIDN’T play you game.

Taken to logical extremes, there are more than 7 billion people today who do NOT play World of Warcraft today.

However, back in 1999, when the first player logged into EverQuest, there were only 6 billion people not playing it!

A clear victory for SOE, putting it a whole billion “non-players” ahead of Blizzard!

But wait.  Back in 1987 when Air Warrior was finally rolling, it only had 5 billion people not playing it!

Who is the most successful online game now, bitches?

Meanwhile, SpaceWar, running way back in 1961 had a mere 3 billion people not playing it!

A clear victory in the unpopularity race!

And yes, I am stretching Tobold-logic to humorous extremes on purpose.  But even trying to work the negative player numbers in a serious manner… potential player populations, target populations, subscription rates, and what not… seems like building a castle in a swamp.

Of course, so does trying to measure how many people remember a game.  I suspect there are games out there that more people remember than actually played them.  But how do you even begin to measure that and, more importantly, how does that equated to success?

Being remembered certainly doesn’t pay the bills.

Nor does historical significance which, by definition, is an assessment of something that happened far enough in the past that  it has ceased to be contemporary and actual becomes history.  Real history, in the serious academic studies sense, only starts when those who were there to witness it… and thus have invested opinions about it… pass on and things that had to be held secret to protect governments and individuals alike are released to the public.

Which is to say that neither I nor Tobold can really make anything besides guesses now about how the future may view this era when it comes to MMOs and the like.

But when you’ve soured on a genre to the point that your agenda seems to be deny that any MMO with numbers south of 250K can possibly be a success merely because WoW exists and heap scorn on anybody who wants something different, I guess you have to take whatever crazy ammunition you can find.

I am certainly not saying WoW isn’t a success.  It is certainly what keeps Activision-Blizzard funded for the three quarters each year when they don’t ship a new Call of Duty game.   But success is not an absolute bar, now set so high by WoW that nobody can ever succeed again.  Mark Jacobs’ Camelot Unchained plans are not an automatic failure merely because he is targeting a small audience.  It is an experiment.  It has risks.  It has to live in the current MMO ecosystem.

But that alone doesn’t mean it won’t work.

Of course, even Mr. Jacobs isn’t above pulling out a silly metric himself now and again.

Quote of the Day – Forge This!

SynCaine is wrong again!

He is always saying that Turbine is going to sell you a copy of the One Ring in the cash shop.

But here we have proof that it is not so!

It is like Ikea!

It is like Ikea!

They won’t sell you such a ring, just the ingredients!

You have to assemble it yourself.

Totally different from selling it to you outright.

So I think we have settled that!

Oh… the quote… um…

Forge Your Own Ring!  Get Your Ingredient Packs Today!  January 4-10

There… title requirements satisfied.

You Won the Battle! Now to Convince Everybody

Fleets clash! A battle is fought!  A thousand ships or more duke it out in null sec!

This is what you and your alliance live for!  These are things no high sec capsuleer ever sees!  For a time, the fate of empires hang in the balance.

But no battle lasts forever.  At some point the opposing parties disengage.  Fleets dock.  People log off.  Kill boards are checked.

And then EVE News 24 puts up a story about the battle and they either completely get it wrong and imply in some way that your side was not totally victorious, or they fail again to moderate the lying comments of your enemies, who are claiming victory for their own side.  And we all know that any forum open to the public that does not delete a message clearly endorses it.

Isn't it obvious we're winning here?

Or else somebody posts a bogus account of the battle in one of those awful forum threads at Kugutsuman, that wretched hive of scum and villainy, claiming victory for themselves.  There ought to be a law!

Either way, somebody on the internet is wrong and it is up to you to fix it.

Fortunately, I have done the ground work for you.  After reading through various comment and forum threads, I have distilled down how to claim your victory online to 10 easy concepts.

Now you have the tools.  Now you can make sure that random strangers on the internet will not be deceived into thinking you achieved anything less than total victory.  After all, what value is there in winning the battle if you lose the meta game?

1 – Define Victory by Your Own Standards

Did you get more kills but lose the ISK war?  Did the enemy save their tower?  Did you fail to save your own?

Do not worry, the outcome was still a clear victory.  More kills shows superior skill… unless the situation was the reverse, in which case doing more damage in ISK shows how you made the enemy pay.  Of course, sometime neither of these work out for you.  Even then, you were making the enemy react to your moves which clearly shows you were in control of the situation.  And that counts for a lot more than, say, that crappy tower they managed to save… this time!

Make it clear that, from the only right, and true perspective (your own), the whole thing was an indisputable victory and imply that it was all part of the master plan.  Or just come out and say that last bit.  We have a master plan, bitches!  You have the enemy right where you want them!

2 – Complain About the Battle Conditions

If the odds were against you, your enemy obviously lacks fighting ability.  If they hot-dropped super caps on your sub cap fleet, clearly they only want cheap kills and have no interest in a fair fight.  Was the enemy able to re-ship and return to the battle quickly?  Blob tactics require no skill.  No matter what, things were stacked against you.  Your enemy was distinctly without honor, using their momentary advantages against you.  For this they must be despised.

3 – Reveal Your Foe as a Coward

Bring up early and often how your foe won’t ever engage in battle unless they feel they hold a significant tactical advantage.  What sort of messed up cowards insist on a good chance of winning before diving headlong into battle?

4 – Play Down Your Own Advantages

If you are complaining loudly about how the enemy was able to reship and return to the fight, be sure to omit that the battle occurred within your own territory, practically on your own door step.  If the foe came in elite PvP ships like strategic cruisers, call them out.  Just don’t bring up how your Drake fleet out numbered them 3 to 1.

5 – Blame CCP

Titans should not be able to kill sub caps.  Strategic cruisers are too weak.  Drakes need to be nerfed.  Time Dilation clearly benefits your opposition.  Sovereignty is totally screwed up.  Local chat should not show who is in system.  Overview bugs screwed you again.  Plus, people who were at one time associated with your enemy now work at CCP and are obvio0usly conspiring against you! (Otherwise, you know, that stuff would have been fixed ages ago!)

Whatever your particular beef, you must make it clear that it isn’t merely your cowardly enemy, who couldn’t find honor in a dictionary, that is the problem.  The whole freaking game is rigged against you.  People ought to be in awe that you were able to pull off the victory you did, given the circumstances.

6 – Outright Lie

Look, the ends clearly justify the means.  So find a messed up kill board total on eve-kill.net.  Rig one yourself on dog-net.org that omits half your allies.  When faced with indisputable facts, call bullshit and refuse to elaborate.  Be Saddam Hussein at the end of the First Gulf War, stand in the street, fire your gun in the air, and tell everybody how you were totally victorious.

Would I do this if I had lost?

That analogy worked for Steve Jobs, and look how well he did in the end!

But remember, only use the First Gulf War as an template, not the 2003 Invasion of Iraq.  That does not further your interests at all.

...at least not during down time.

Some of you are probably too young to get that joke.

7 – Foretell the Future

Make sure you let everybody know that even if this might seem like a loss, which it clearly was not, any future engagements will clearly and unambiguously show that your alliance owns.

Don’t be afraid to get personal on this one.  Your foes are, after all, cowards and racists scammers who line their pockets with the spoils of their illicit RMT and mining bot operations.  Their existence harms game itself, exploiting, as they do, the very mechanics of EVE to make mockery of the work of CCP.  The time will come when other alliances will see the light of day, join together, and smite this abomination from New Eden.

Don’t worry about going overboard here, nobody ever remembers this sort of thing.

8 – Remain Steadfast

Regardless of what occurred or what twisted “logic” your detractors might bring up, in the grand scheme of things this was clearly a strategic victory for your side.  Brook no dissent.

9 – Claim the Battle Did Not Matter

If your enemy is marshaling his lies against you, you may not be able to get 100% of your audience behind you assertions.  At this point, you may need to change the focus of the argument.  You still did not lose the battle.  Remember item 8.  But your enemies claims are now made meaningless, since their attempts to display themselves in a winning light are shown to be empty boasting.

You didn’t need that tech moon, that titan, that fleet, that system.  They were superfluous to the real strategic objectives of the alliance, a feint, a ruse de guerre,  and anybody who cannot see that is a damn fool.  Remember item 1, you have a master plan and the enemy is dancing to your tune.

10 – Don’t Be This Guy

Poor Zarks.  He lost his titan and then admitted it was his fault!  He obviously needed to invoke items 2, 3, and 5 (and possibly 7 and 8) to support his alliance.  Instead, both he and his alliance lost face in the all important meta game.

Bonus Items – Remember, posting your comments anonymously gives the impression that you are an unbiased external observer, and will add weight to your argument.  Also, be sure to use sock puppets to support your claims if at all possible.  Just make sure you know what that really means before you start.

Lambchop agrees, we're on the road to total victory!

Remember, this isn’t just idle smack talk in local, this is about winning the game!

Calm Words in This Time of Rift Crisis

A fresh translation to sooth your troubled heart:

And you will hear of hype and rumors of hype.

See that you are not alarmed, for this must take place, but the ship date is not yet.

For blog will rise against blog, and comment against comment, and there will be exaggeration and flames in various places.

All these are but the beginning of the release pains.

Then they will deliver up to the official forums and ask to sticky any apostasy, and these will be hated by all nations for the game’s sake.

And then many will fall away and betray one another and hate one another

And many false prophets will arise and lead many astray.

And because beta access will be increased, the love of many will grow cold.

But the one who endures to the end will be saved.

And then the release of the game will be proclaimed throughout the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the ship date will have come.

It gets a little less clear after that, taking after some guy named Dan in accounting and then heading into a passage which I think means you should take the launch date off from work, unless you are pregnant or nursing.

But I think the main gist conforms to Keen’s graph.

Anyway, let these words comfort and guide you through these trying times.